And so it begins..

The 90 Day Beachbody Challenge

2011-04-18T17:06:00.001-07:00

I issued a challenge to some friends. We are all doing a 90 Day Beachbody Challenge.

Now, as I stated in my last post, I'm a Beachbody Coach. I'm an accountability coach on TeamBeachbody.com, and guess what? I'm free. Yup, you can sign up for a free account on the site and you get me as your coach. I'll be there to help you with advice, questions, support, motivation, whatever you might need. Did I mention I'm free? Yes? Then why haven't you signed up yet??

Anyway, I issued this 90 day challenge to some fellow coaches, and several have accepted. The challenge is simple: to commit 100% to a Beachbody program of your choice for 90 days. And when I say commit 100%, I mean not only the workout, but diet as well. The FULL commitment.

I started my challenge today. I'm doing the P90X program, and I'm keeping a blog journal of the whole thing. Here's the blog: Bring it, Dalyla

Wish me luck!

Yes, it's been a long, long time

2011-04-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

But here I am.

I haven't blogged in forever, so here's some quick updates.

I'm currently working 3 jobs. Yeah, I know. It sounds crazy, right? Well, just last week it was 4 jobs. I had to give one up, which wasn't something I wanted to do, but it was necessary at the time. I am looking to replace the job, I've been sending out resumes.

I'm teaching PE to preschoolers, ages 2-5 years. Its only once a week for a couple of hours, but I LOVE the heck out of this job. Seriously, I wish it were more hours. I get paid to play games. It doesn't get much better than that.

I'm still watching my nephews part time, and it's still going well, and I will be picking up another kid for the summer part time, too. In the fall they will all be in school, so my days will be free. What I'm going to do with all that free time is beyond me.

And I started a business as a Beachbody Coach. Beachbody is the company that sells awesome workout programs like P90X, Insanity, Turbo Jam and Turbo Fire, and this amazingly delish meal replacement shake called Shakeology. (if you want to find out more, either email me, or check out my link www.debihamby.com)

And yes, I'm sure you've noticed I didn't list teaching at the gym. That's the job I'm currently on the market for. I can't remember when I posted last, but I am now certified to teach Turbo Kick, a cardio kickboxing class, and Hip Hop Hustle, which is an easy to follow Hip Hop dance class. Both classes are great fun, and if you haven't had the chance to check them out, DO IT! Find one near you. You'll burn crazy amounts of calories, and you won't even realize it. So much fun.

In other news, I tried out for the Dallas Derby Devils back in October. The Devils are a Flat Track Roller Derby League here in Dallas. And guess what... I actually made a team. I'm a proud member of the Death Row Rumblers, and I couldn't have asked for a better team.

If you live in the area, come check out a bout sometime. The season starts next Saturday, April 23, and you'll see my awesome team take on the Wrecking Crew.

And my last little update... I registered my baby girl for Kindergarten. :( She's growing up so fast, and I can't believe that she not only just turned 5 already, but she's going to be starting school in the fall.

Well, that's the latest highlights anyway, I'm going to try to get here and post more often. Yeah, yeah, I know, I've said that before. I'm working on it, ok?

I swore to myself...

2010-07-15T10:46:00.001-07:00

...that I wasn't going to slack on my blog again. But what do you know? I did exactly that.

I know, I'm such a slacker.

But I'm back, with nothing in particular to blog about, so here's some random nonsense:

I'm learning to teach a new class at the gym. It's Turbo Kick, a class that is very fast paced. Cardio Kickboxing, I never would've thought I'd get the hang of it or learn the choreography. I struggled, because let's face it, I'm not the most coordinated person out there. But I didn't give up, even though I would get frustrated at times. Now I'm teaching it twice a week Tuesdays and Wednesdays. And since I started it, I've lost 10 pounds. Yay, me!

I have reopened my online store, something I wasn't sure I was ever going to do again. I decided to close it at the end of last year. Since Ryan's diagnosis, we have hospital bills and monthly prescriptions to pay for, so every little bit helps. What's my online business, you ask? I sew shopping cart covers for little ones. You can check them out at www.debsbuggycovers.com, and find me on facebook. (Yes, that was shameless spam)

I've fallen completely and totally in love with roller derby and am considering trying out in the fall. I've been visiting the local roller skating rink with some friends weekly and trying to get more comfortable on skates. I haven't missed a Dallas Derby Devils bout since I discovered our local league.

My son is going to be in the third grade this fall. What the hell? Where did the time go, and why does he have to get bigger?? At least I have one more year at home with my daughter before she's off to school and I'm left wondering what to do with myself all day. Might have to get a job *gasp*

In October, we are participating in a walk for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Ryan wanted to put together her own team, and we have some wonderful friends and family who are going to walk with us. We've been working on raising funds, but we are only 9% of the way there, and trying to think of ideas for fund raising. If you are interested in finding out more or would like to make a donation, you can check out Ryan's fundraising site here: http://walk.jdrf.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmID=87702617

Ok, I suppose I should stop here... I am supposed to be doing cleaning chores right now, and instead I'm stalling with this blog. But unfortunately, I don't have a self cleaning house. *sigh*

So it's been over a year....

2010-05-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

Since I last blogged. Yeah. I know.

A lot has happened this past year, so I'm going to start with the events that changed my life. I will warn you now, this is a long, long blog.

You might be wondering why I decided to relive this horrific experience. Well, that's easy. There's several things about these events that still make me feel like I failed my baby girl. Even though, in my head, I know I can't change anything, and I didn't know any better at the time, but my heart still breaks when I think back.

I decided to post this, in hopes it might help someone else. If you are witnessing any of this with your child, I hope by hearing my story, that you will act faster than I did.

*Deep breath* Here it goes:

November 18, 2009.

The scariest moment in my life, hands down. I've never been more terrified.

And it all starts with my daughter, Ryan. She just turned 4 last month, and her little life has changed dramatically since this time last year.

On the week of November 8th, I noticed Ryan seemed to be drinking more water than usual. She's always been a big drinker, so I didn't think much of it. She also seemed a little more irritable than usual, but she hadn't been sleeping all that well. By the end of the week, she was back to taking a nap in the afternoon, which isn't like her, but otherwise, she seemed ok.

On Monday, the 16th, I noticed she kept laying down and was saying she was tired a lot. She was also drinking a ton more, and only eating a little. I asked her several times if she felt ok, and she would just say she was tired. I took her temp several times, thinking she might have a virus. No fever, so I thought her little body was just trying to fight something off.

By Tuesday, she started falling asleep on and off. She would only sleep for 30 min at a time, and she did this several times. Still drinking, and now not hardly eating anything. By the afternoon, I was pretty concerned, so I thought, if she's still feeling off tomorrow, I'll take her in. She still wasn't running a fever, she just seemed tired all the time.

That evening, when I was getting ready for bed, I realized I could see her ribs clearly. This was odd, so I went and weighed her. She lost 5 pounds from about 2 weeks ago. I was really nervous, so I decided to call the dr in the morning.

The next day, Wed the 18th, before calling the dr, I was talking to my mum, who told me that the excessive drinking is a sign of Juvenile Diabetes. I didn't know anything about Juvenile Diabetes, and I thought, she doesn't have it. We don't have a history of diabetes in the family. I've never even known anyone with it, that I recall.

I called the dr and spoke to the nurse, and she said they could schedule me in for the next day, that the dr thought it would be ok to wait until then. At lunch time, Ryan threw up and became even more lethargic. Her breathing became a lot deeper and seemed like it took more effort for her. I called the Dr in a panic, and they said they would fit her in at 4.

I called DH and he rushed home. I had to make arrangements to get Trevor from school, and asked mum to come over and sit with my nephew since I was watching him that day.

We went to the drs office about an hour early, since they were squeezing her in. Once the dr saw us, he ordered some test, but the only one they could get immediate results on was the urine test. It came back with a large amount of ketones, and a lot of protein, that showed she was severely dehydrated. With the way she was drinking lately, it never even occurred to me that she might be dehydrated. He said due to the ketones, he was 99% sure my mother was right, it was diabetes. He told us to go to Cook Children's ER immediately because she would have to be admitted right away. He called ahead and let them know we were on our way.

By this time, my little girl had absolutely no energy, none at all. She could hardly stay awake.

We got to the hospital, and at this point we didn't know how serious her condition was, until we sat down with the nurse. She was going through her usual checking in routine, Ryan was pretty much out of it, when something caused her to pause. She pressed down on Ryan's foot and watched how long it took her skin to change back to normal color. It took WAY longer than it should. She stood up and said "Come with me" and took us to an ER bed.

She said some code to the Dr on duty and the next thing I know, we were surrounded by people, all trying to get an vein to get an IV into her. She was so dehydrated, they worked for almost 20 minutes. Her veins were collapsing because they were so brittle from the lack of hydration. My little girl was barely even crying, and she couldn't even fight them off because she had no energy left. I was beyond scared. Finally, out of desperation, they decided to use the vein in her neck.

They were finally able to get the IV in, and before they could hook up the IV, they needed to get some blood. Once, they got the blood for testing, a nurse had to stand over her and force these HUGE syringes of fluids into her body, because the IV wouldn't have gotten them in fast enough. By this time, Ryan was completely out of energy and had fallen asleep.

The Dr then explained to us, that the test the nurse did with pressing on her skin and waiting for the color to come back, shows the body going into shock. It should only take a couple of seconds, but it was taking more than 5 for Ryan's.

Once the nurse was able to get those fluid in her, about 20-30 min later, they were able to do the test again and the results were good, almost back to normal. They also had the results of her glucose test, which was 598. They said that was lower than they had expected, most people that come in in her situation are more like 800-1100. I asked what was normal, they said between 90-110 for most people.

They also told me that right now was a critical time, they had to watch out for brain swelling that could cause some damage. We needed to check with her every now and then to make sure she could still talk to us, and they would check her pupils to make sure they were dilating the way they should. We would tell her we loved her, and she would say, "I love you, too" in just above a whisper. Then they were very amazed that she opened her eyes and said loudly that she needed to go potty. (Although she fell back asleep before going.)

They hooked her up to an IV and insulin pump and moved us to ICU. Ryan slept most of the night, at least, whenever they weren't waking her up to draw blood or poke her finger to check her sugars. Ronnie ran home to get some clean clothes for us at about 10. While he was gone, the IV they had in slipped, and the fluids were no longer going in her vein. I noticed she was swollen and told the nurse, and they had to pull out the IV. But they needed to get it back in ASAP, and she still wasn't hydrated enough to get a vein anywhere. They poked her a dozen more times, then decided that their only hope was the other side of her neck.

This IV was much more terrifying than the last time, because Ryan had gotten some of her fight back. Last time she didn't have the energy, this time she was using what little strength she had to try to fight them off. She was screaming and crying, and I couldn't do anything. It was so hard, because I knew it was something that had to be done, but to listen to your child scream "Leave me alone" and "Get away from me" and not be able to do anything hurts, like you've been stabbed through the heart.

Once they were able to get that IV in, everything else went pretty smoothly. I didn't sleep hardly at all that night, but the next morning you could see a huge difference in Ryan. She was up and watching TV for a couple of hours, then she would nap. She finally asked for some food later in the day and the dr ok'd it, so she ate a whole big bag of tortilla chips. Her sugar levels were down, and they were just waiting on the ok from the dr to get us out of ICU and into a room.

We had also had a visit from the diabetes nurse, and she had dropped off a backpack full of stuff for us. In it, there was a book on diabetes, and a blood sugar monitor. We also then found Rufus, a little stuffed bear who also had diabetes.

We finally got into a room late that afternoon, and we began to learn more about diabetes, and what we were going to have to do to live with it. We have to count carbs, and the insulin she gets is based on the carbs she eats. She will have to have an injection with every time she eats, with the exception of a few carb free foods (less than 5gs of carbs) like cheeses, meats, some raw veggies, sugar free popsicles and jello, and sugar free drinks.

The nurses were fantastic, and Ryan was enjoying the attention by this point. She was even more excited to find out that she could have sugar free Popsicles and cheese sticks just about whenever she wanted them. The next day she had several visitors, and had a ton of gifts. She later told me, after everyone left, that she was glad they all came to her "party" and she had a lot of fun. She was up and running around with the kids when they came.

DH and I practiced count carbs, calculating her insulin dosages and giving her the injections. The diabetes nurse checked in and educated us as much as she could in those 2 days.

We were finally released that Saturday, the 21st, and we were sent home with tons of help, books, phone numbers to call with problems/questions, and with strict instructions on when to check her blood sugar levels (with every meal, right before bed, and at 3 am every night. I was so exhausted at this time) and how much medication she needs. We had to call in her numbers every day, and they are still making adjustments to her meds.

Overall, it's been quite and adjustment.

Now, we have to check her sugar levels with every meal. She still has injections whenever she eats, but she's a pro now. She even helps give herself the injections.

My son, Trevor, who is 7 and Ryan's best friend in the whole wide world, is helping her, also. He will help check her blood sugar, and he will also hold her hand if she's having a rare moment of protest to her injections. He's such a loving big brother. He adores his sister just as much as she adores him.

I'm so lucky to have the two most amazing kids in my world. Even through the rough stuff, they are both so, so strong, and from them, I find my strength.

Fear Really is Just a Four Letter Word.

2009-04-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

Last month I posted about an opportunity that was presented to me at the last minute. It was something I felt unprepared for, and was lacking confidence. I was out of my comfort zone, and the fear of failure was weighing me down.

Turns out, all that worry and uncomfortable feelings were a product of my own issues. There was no need for them at all. I passed!!

I am now a Certified Group Fitness Instructor! My biggest goal I set for myself this year was to pass this test and have this certification, but it's not over yet. Now onto studying and becoming as knowledgeable as I can about Fitness and Nutrition.

Now that the Primary Certification is out of the way, I am a little confused about where to go next. I would like to learn more about several different specialty classes, like Zumba or Turbo Kick, even Pilate's. The problem I am having right now is deciding what to do. I want to it all, but I know I should focus on one thing at a time, take the time to learn it, then move to the next. But where to start??

A Miserable Failure

2009-03-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

OK, so maybe not, but let's just say my blog hasn't been on the top of my ever growing to-do list lately.

So what the heck has been going on with me? Nothing too out of the ordinary, I suppose. I've had some time to think about my life and where it's headed, what I want to change and what I want to stay the same. I can't say I've made any definite decisions on anything, but there are a couple of things I have to look forward to.

I was recently given an offer that I couldn't really refuse, although it was something I wasn't prepared for. And although the idea of failing at something scares me beyond belief, I pushed it aside and took the offer. Emotionally, that was hard. Fear of failing has kept me from doing a lot of things in my life, and I am trying to work past it. If I fail this time, I WILL try again. This is important to me. So what if I wasn't ready for it? I did it. And while failing is still a possibility, I don't care now. It will only prepare me for my next attempt, and I WILL be ready if there is a next time because now I know what to expect. For the record though, things went much better than I had expected. While failing is still a possibility, also is succeeding. I never would've thought that, had I not given it a try. I'm slowing learning to have a little more faith in myself.

There are some plans in the works for a trip with some really great friends I haven't seen in years. Although it's not going to be until late next year, I can't wait. These are some of my favorite people that I grew up with, in those years before life became so serious. Back in a time of innocent fun, where we would laugh and be dumb asses all day and not care what others thought. We just enjoyed each others company. We didn't grow apart in the normal sense, we didn't go our separate ways by choice, but because we didn't have a say in it. I know that we aren't kids anymore, and the pointless joking and acting like idiots isn't going to have the same affect as it did when we were younger. We've all grown up, half of us are married with kids now, but it doesn't matter. It's a bond I just can't explain. It's more than I have ever gotten out of other friendships in my past. Good friends isn't even a close enough term. It's so much more than that.

And although I still have some things within to sort through, I am not going to hurry. There's no reason to.

2009-02-14T17:01:00.001-08:00

Since it's Valentine's Day, and it hasn't been a good day (not due to my hubby, it;s just been a crappy day) I thought I would remind myself of things I love. Not the obvious things, like family and friends, because that's a given, but the little things in life that often get overlooked. The things you take for granted on a normal day, things that are small and insignificant, yet pleasantly enjoyable. I know there are many things I will forget to put in this blog, but I am going to do my best.

So here is a list of loves:

I adore the sound of children's laughter, when something is so funny to them that they can hardly breathe because they are laughing too hard.
I love the smell that's in the air when rain is on it's way.
I enjoy a good story, whether it's an actual book or just a friend telling me something interesting from their day.
I am seriously in love with Lofthouse Sugar Cookies... you know, the ones from the grocery store's bakery with the inch thick frosting on the top. Yeah, it's bad.
I can't help but laugh when my 6 year old tries to tell a joke that either makes no sense or he failed in the delivery. It's just so cute.
I love making up nicknames for my kids. I come up with new ones all the time.
Nothing makes me smile more quickly than hearing my soon-to-be-3 year old singing Pink's So What? There's just something about her singing "I'm gonna start a fight" that is irresistible.
The feeling of accomplishment after a workout gives me warm fuzzies.
This is going to sound crazy, but I really love admiring my many injuries as they are going through the healing process. As clumsy as I am, this is something I get to do a lot.
Daydreaming is something I still love to do, and I do it often, every day.
I love to push myself to accomplish something of which I thought I was physically incapable.
The smell of hot tea is one of my favorite scents.
I adore fuzzy slippers and almost always wear them when I'm at home.
The Ramones. Enough said.
Remembering the Croughton days with old friends always brightens my day.
My heart absolutely melts when I hear my kids tell each other they love each other. This is a daily occurrence in my house, and I hope it never ends.
The gloomy feeling of overcast days almost always lifts my spirits. I think it's because it reminds me of England, the place I grew up.
I love the colors of fall leaves, although we don't really get those in Texas.

I hope you enjoyed my list, I know I have many things to add, but if I keep going, this list may never, ever end.

Walking on Sunshine

2009-01-16T21:15:00.000-08:00

I'm in a great mood right now, and I'm surprised. This week has been extremely stressful, but hell, I'm not going to let it bring me down! My next 4 weeks will be this same schedule, so wish me luck!

Here's just a little insight to my week:

I joined a Boot Camp class at the gym, so I go to the class Mondays and Wednesdays at 6:45, then Saturdays at 8 am. The classes are good, but I'm not feeling them like I thought I would be. Hopefully this is just because it's the first week and she is taking it easy on us, getting us warmed up to it all. With this class, I have a weekly homework assignment, and I have to keep food journals for everyday. This is great, because I need to be more conscious of my food consumption, but it is time consuming. However, it sucks trying to eat good when you haven't had a minute to go to the grocery store.

Also on Mondays, I instruct a class of my own at the gym, which is from 6-7, so I miss the first 15 minutes of boot camp. Not a biggie, it just means I miss the warm up and a little of the class, but I am getting an extra 45 minutes of workout time. No complaints there.

Then, on Tuesdays and Fridays, I work in the childcare at the gym. These are the only 2 evenings I work, and they were nice enough to work me this way so I could participate in the boot camp. However, this week, they called and asked me to work on Thursday, too, so I could train a new person. So I worked an extra shift.

So, I know what you are thinking... that doesn't seem too bad, right? Well, then there is my day job.

Monday through Friday, I watch kids.
I have a friend's little boy, who is a funny little thing, and quite possibly the loudest kid on the planet (he goes up to eleven.) From January through April 15th, I have him just about every day. He's a good kid, so he's not too difficult to handle, though I think we are going through the terrible twos. Rough times are ahead.
Along with him, I watch my cousin's 2 boys. They are both good kids, too, for the most part. I watch them part time, usually 3 or 4 days a week, some of those days are half days. But this week, the beginning of my crazy schedule, I had them every day, and all but one were full days.

Oh, and did I mention I am studying for a certification class? Yeah, somehow I have to find more time to study before my class on the 6th of February. I've barely cracked open my book and study guide, so I am not feeling too confident about it yet.

And to top that off, Wednesday morning I awoke to find out some bastard(s) broke both the driver's side and passenger's side windows on my car to steal the portable DVD player I have in there for my kids. And they forgot to take the power chord. Dealing with that mess was a whole lot of fun, let me tell you.

I finally made it to the grocery store tonight. I had to go after work, which means I was dragging the kids to the grocery store at 8 pm, when they should have been getting ready for bed. I will most likely have to deal with crabby kids, but hey, at least they now have breakfast for the morning.

But even after all the stress and craziness of this week, I am in a great mood. Why? Because I'm letting it all go, and am looking forward to tomorrow being a new day.

And I Wonder.

2009-01-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

When faced with choices, what makes you choose the path you take?

Say, for instance, you are at a crossroads. You are unhappy with your current situation, so much so, that you either have to fix what is broken, or walk away. Two choices, both creating a whole new life for you, after a lifetime. Neither one right or wrong, just a choice that you need to make to finally find happiness in yourself again.

Then a new opportunity arises, something new and exciting, but something that has multiple consequences should you accept it. This choice will completely alter life as you know it, hurt those who love you, isolate you from the life you have lived for so long, and really cause your reality to spiral out of control.

Say your state of mind is off... you are doing things you haven't done in years to try to fill some void that the unhappiness in your life has brought on. Think of trying to control something, anything, just to feel as though you are in control of some aspect of your life, and in the process making decisions that have grave consequences.

How do you know what to do, where to go, and who to lean on for support, when you feel like you can't talk about your feelings openly without being judged? How are you expected to make the right choice, when only one seems to be enticing and easy, though utterly and completely wrong?

The choice was made, and things are a mess. Is there no return?

Can you be forgiven when you know you made the choice that hurt everyone, the choice that destroyed life as you know it? Where do you go when your life lays in crumbles at your feet? Who do you turn to? Can you make it through to see the light again? Will their justified anger ever subside? Will you ever be able to forgive yourself for the mess you created?

Or is it too late?

Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

2008-12-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

Although we had a great Christmas, I am anxious to get life back to normal.

The house is a wreck, and guess who gets to clean it? You betcha. I'm starting by taking the tree down and getting the furniture back in place. Then, onto getting all the new toys put away, which means the toy boxes and kids' rooms need to be cleaned out. It's going to be a long weekend.

But never mind that, I'm focusing again on my goals for the new year. I don't really set resolutions, I just have a few things I want for 2009. This next year I have a few things I want to accomplish, and the sooner the better. I'm sure this list will grow as the days pass.

First is the remaining 15 pounds I have to lose. I went to buy some new jeans today and although I liked them, I decided they will be my reward, in a smaller size, of course, in a few months. I am planning on making Sundays my weigh in days, and I will be counting calories and exercising as much as I can. Feel free to check in on me and make sure I am staying on track, I can use all the support I can get.

Another goal I have set is the next step to further my new career path. Courses I need to take and studying I need to do. I should be taking my first class in February, wish me luck.

More than anything else, I want to improve on my patience with my kids. I can sometimes get very frustrated with them and I am always, ALWAYS feeling guilty about it. It needs to change, they deserve so much more. I love them so much, and they are my everything. I need to be a better mother.

Organization. I need it.

And finally, procrastination. I need to stop it. Life is going to pass me by if I let it. I don't want that.

I hope I can achieve all these goals in 2009.

My Christmas Wish for 2008

2008-12-23T15:14:00.000-08:00

This blog might possibly be my shortest yet, not for lack of love, it's just because it's something that can be said shortly.

I have a Christmas wish every year, this year being no different. My wish is simple, and it's for all the people I know and love in my life.

I wish you all a safe holiday. A holiday filled with loved ones, laughter, smiles, and fun. A carefree holiday, with as little stress as you can manage. I know that's a lot to expect, but remember, holiday is about love, a reminder of all that is good in your life.

I also want to send some well wishes to those who are having to deal with illness this holiday season. I know of two little babies who may be spending their first Christmas's in the hospital, and I ask you all to send your well wishes, positive thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you do, to these little ones on their first holiday.

Happy Holidays to you all, I wish nothing but the best for you and yours :)

I Believe in Magic

2008-12-16T11:01:00.000-08:00

I can see the sparkles in their eyes. They are counting down the days. Even my 2.5 year old who really doesn't fully understand what Christmas is.

Think back to when you were a child. The anticipation, the magic, the determination to catch Santa in the act of leaving your Christmas presents. The joy of waking in the morning to a lit up tree with presents as far as the eye could see. Opening each one with enthusiasm, just hoping Santa remembered that one special item you wanted above all else. And the thrill when you realize that he didn't forget, that the letter you sent must have made it there for him to see. How else could he have known?

Is the thrill gone? Have we lost that joy we feel, the magic in the air?

No, I don't think we have. I just think we need a reminder. Sure, now we know the truth about who Santa really is, and how we are now him. We know that the gifts came from our parents hard earned paychecks and now, from ours. Reindeer might not really fly, but that doesn't mean the magic is all gone.

Now that I am a mother, with a family I adore above everything else, I live the magic every year. Sure, there was a time when Christmas was a hassle, making a shopping list, shopping for everyone, hoping you got something they would enjoy. Now it's different. I get to relive all the magic through the eyes of my children. I get to tell them all about Santa and his flying reindeer. We speculate on how Santa fits down the skinny chimney, and how he can get to all the houses and leave gifts without waking anyone.

Nothing is quite as enjoyable as letting them shop for Christmas presents. They get to pick out something special for someone special. And to see the thrill on their face when they find the "perfect" gift, it's priceless.

But most importantly, I get to see their faces glow when they see the magic of Christmas morning. As they open their gifts, as they jump up and down with excitement, and as they give you that "perfect" gift with as much excitement, it never fails to make me believe that the magic is real.

The Choice Between What is Right and What is Easy.

2008-12-14T14:18:00.000-08:00

I'm struggling with an addiction.

As anyone who has suffered some addiction can tell you, relapses hit, and they are very difficult to fight. You have many different addictions out there, some more deadly than others, but all causing pain and suffering. Some easier to fight off than others, but none are easy to live with.

My addiction has been a lifelong battle. I have gotten a better hand on it, but I still have to try everyday to overcome the urges it causes. I can do it, I can conquer it. I have proven that to myself a lot over the past few years, but I still have my moments of weakness.

This past week has been a never ending battle, one I haven't been winning. I know I am only causing myself pain, and I can beat this, but I can also feel myself giving up and letting it win. I don't want to, but sometimes giving in is so much easier.

But giving in once means giving in again, and again, and again. It starts an endless cycle of indulgences. Indulgences which cause me to suffer every time I look at myself, both mentally and physically.

I need to be stronger for my kids. I need to be able to get a grip on this. I know that once I say NO!, I gain more confidence and strength to say NO! again the next time.

Saying NO! would be the right thing. But the easy thing is saying YES!

But by saying YES! the problems don't go away. The stresses are still there. Is saying YES! really worth it?

My life is much more important than this. I need my strength back.

Inspiration.

2008-12-11T06:39:00.000-08:00

I'm an easily inspired person. It doesn't take too much to get my creative wheels spinning. I can be so inspired by something so small, so insignificant. It can be something I've seen, something I have read, something I have seen someone else do. I know at that moment that I can do it too, and I should do it.

Seems simple enough, right?

My problem... self doubt. I suppose it goes back to a lack of self confidence, though I don't seem to suffer from that as much as I once did. I have trouble, sometimes, finding faith in myself. I am more than capable of a lot of things, but I guess I have this underlying fear of failing miserably and looking stupid in the process.

I suppose that has a lot to do with why it took so long for me to start this blog.

I've always enjoyed writing. I discovered a love for it a long time ago, in my middle school/high school days. I wrote all the time back then. Because of the lack of confidence I had in myself, sharing it was something I didn't do often. There was a fear that what I thought was a great piece of writing would be seen by others as a little less than *shrug* OK. Any compliments from people, and I took that as them being nice, not wanting to hurt my feelings. I gave up on this creative outlet back then.

I'm trying to regain my confidence in writing. I started this blog first and foremost, and I am actually considering trying to channel this into stories again. I haven't quite worked up the nerve to venture any further than this yet, but I would like to think it's a possibility.

I have a million excuses as to why I can't do it. No time, no fresh ideas. Nothing I have to say can be that interesting.

I have got to stop holding myself back.

The Queen, Pig Farms and Cheeseless Cheese Soup.

2008-12-08T11:07:00.001-08:00

(The title has nothing to do with this blog, but I was lacking inspiration. So I thought of the Queen, Kristie.)

I'm in pain. Not emotional, suffering in my head pain. Physical pain. And it's all my own fault.

I am pursuing a career, I suppose, though part-time. I want to teach aerobics classes, sculpting, Pilate's, etc. My current boss has faith in me, and allows me to sub some classes here and there to get some experience. In order to make the actual transition into instructing, I need to get my Group Exercise Certification, which I will be getting in February.

So I subbed a class on Saturday. The class I taught was called Power Circuit, it's a combination of circuit training (think Curves. You do each machine for one minute, then change stations to the next machine.) After your one minute on the machine, you do a sculpting exercise, like bicep curls, crunches, etc.

I have taken this class when a couple of the different instructors have taught it, and one instructor in particular, pushes you to get the most out of your workout. The other, while it's a good class, I just don't feel like I got the best workout out of it. So I wanted to make my class a little more difficult, but not too, too difficult. Something you would be able to get through if you pushed yourself a little harder, and one you would be able to feel later to know you worked hard.

Well, I feel it. I am so proud that my class made me hurt, even if is painful to sit down. At least I know my ass got a good workout, and I know I had a good class. I can't wait to lead another.

I just feel sorry for the lady who came in for the class. If I am hurting, I can imagine how she must feel.

I hope I didn't scare her off.

The Toughest Job in the World

2008-12-04T08:54:00.000-08:00

And I have it.

Let me start by giving you a little insight to a regular day in my life and the jobs I hold.

My goal was to be a stay at home mommy for my kids. Unfortunately, in this day and age, living on one income is rather difficult. We can manage on one, but we have little to no money for extra luxuries. So here I am working more than one job to help us have a little extra cash. The jobs I have enable me to keep my kids with me, while saving money by not having to send them to daycare.

I babysit during the week, three kids total. Two brothers, my cousins kids, I have on average 3-4 days a week. Good kids, full of energy, good listeners, ages 3 and 5. When they aren't being typical brothers by picking on one another, or rather, the younger one picking on the older one, they are really good kids and very well behaved. The other little rug rat, another boy, is coming up on 2 years old. He is also part time, for now, but his mom is an accountant and come the first of the year, she works 3 months straight without a break. He's a great kid, too. Possibly the loudest kid on the face of the planet, but a really good kid, and extremely goofy. Keeps me laughing most of the time.

I also work in a woman's fitness center, currently in the childcare, but venturing on to bigger and better things. Working at this particular gym, I can bring the kids with me when I go. It works well, since I work the childcare, but I am currently preparing to be a class instructor and I am hoping to become a personal trainer. All of these require certifications, which I will have to get slowly, due to the cost. I am really looking forward to pursuing this path.

I also have my own little business, just a little online shop where I sell some things I make. More of a hobby than an income source.

I babysit to ensure a little income. The kids are all good kids, but after listening to kids scream all day, it wears on you. The gym is my fun job, the job for me. I get to workout whenever I want, and I'm getting to sub classes as an instructor, and I will be able to do so much more in the future with it.

Those are my easy jobs. The hard one? Motherhood.

To say it's difficult trying to balance the jobs I have to help my family, the job I have for me, and the biggest and most challenging, being a mom, is an understatement. My kids are the reason I babysit, so I have extra money to take them places and buy the things they want.

The difficulties lie in finding the time to dedicate to them, between having extra kids in my house and doing something for me, the gym. Through all these things, I feel like a negligent mother at times, and am very hard on myself. I can't always do what the kids need me to do, and I can't always keep my patience, after dealing all day with others. This takes it's toll on me more than you could ever realize.

Being a mom takes a lot out of you. You are now living your life not only for yourself, but for little ones who are dependant on you. And their needs are greater than yours, you always make sure they are taken care of before you. Not because you have to, but because you love nothing more.

It's so hard to protect and care for your heart when it's walking around outside your body.

Although it's a hard job, motherhood definitely has rewards, too. You can play with all the kids' cool toys. You can laugh, sing and dance whenever and not care about who might be watching. It's worth a little embarrassment to hear your kids laugh. For the first time in your life, you discover what true love really means. When they come home with a book of their favorites they made at school with you listed as their favorite person, your heart completely melts. When they look at you with their wide eyes and say "luz you mommy" it makes your heart completely explode with love.

While it might be the toughest job in the world, every moment you have with your kids is worth so much more than any sacrifice you make for them.

Just when you think it's safe..

2008-12-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

After thrashing beneath the suffocating water for so long, you finally feel your face break the surface. Just as you feel the relief of the cool air fill your lungs, you're dragged back down by a strong, invisible and unknown source of panic.

Yet as you struggle to come back up again, you feel yourself slipping away, ready to give up and let the panic be the victor. And the struggle subsides, allowing you to gasp for air, thinking it's over.

Then vicious cycle then begins again.

How can you break free once and for all?

So here I am...

2008-11-30T14:50:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving, and again, I am reminded how much I have to be thankful for, and how much I take for granted every day.

This year has been almost like a new life. I don't know what in me has changed, but I have changed, for the better. I don't know what the cause of it was exactly, but I can find a few things that triggered it.

When I was younger, back in the days of Croughton, England, I was so much more carefree. I have such great friends I could spend hours with, laughing our asses off at the stupidest shit, and we loved it. It was that innocent fun, we just enjoyed being with each other and enjoyed every day life.

I don't know where it changed, maybe when I left the comfort of England, my best friends who accepted me for who I was, and my family. But at some point, I started taking myself too seriously, had issues with myself, and my self esteem. I never felt as though I could completely be myself out of fear of rejection. Who was this person and what had she done with Debi??

I had no trouble making friends when I left, but I was guarded for a long time. I did finally find a circle of friends I was comfortable with and could be myself around, but I still didn't feel like me. Was it just the normal teenage emotions and need of acceptance? Maybe, but it hadn't stopped there.

I moved again from a place I was finally comfortable, and on to another place, where I wasn't as happy. I met my soon to be husband and for once I felt like I could be myself, but there was still something not quite right.... I was taking myself too seriously, and holding back on a lot, almost like I couldn't allow myself to have fun and enjoy life completely. I was happy, but not so happy with myself, because somewhere along the way, I diappeared.

I became a mom in 2002, and then again in 2006. My kids are my world. I went from being an individual to being Mom and Wife, both roles I love to be, but where was Debi? Even more lost than before.

I don't know what did it. I finally came to the realization that while I love my life, I was lost somewhere and I needed to find myself, but at this point, I didn't know how, or where to even begin.

I turned 30 this year, something I was dreading to no end. But on the day of my birthday, I realized, this isn't so bad. I am going to do something for myself, starting with taking care of myself better.

I finally lost all the weight I have gained since getting married and having kids, over 30 lbs. All of a sudden, I seemed to get my self esteem back. It seems silly, because I shouldn't need to be thin to be happy, but I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Not anymore. This lifestyle change also caused me to set my sights on a new goal, a goal for myself, something I haven't had in a long time.

I also lost a friend this year, one who I remember fondly, who could always make me smile. It was a devestating blow, and even though we hadn't stayed in constant contact, he was someone who always meant a lot to me. It made me realize how short life was, how you choose the life you lead, and how you make the decisions to be who you are.

I have made the decision that I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to look back and think about how *I* was the one who held me back. How it was *my* decisions that have kept me from living my life to the fullest and enjoying every moment I have. How my kids would lose out, because they had a mommy who was lost to herself, and living every day like it was a routine that had fallen into place out of convience, a mommy that had forgotten how to have fun, how to enjoy life.

I have great friends, a supportive and amazing family, a loving husband, and two beautiful babies. I have a job that is taking me on a new and exciting path. I have nothing in my life to be upset about.

And here I am, thinking back on this year with the realization that I am once again Debi, someone I was beginning to believe was gone forever. And believe it or not, that thought is comforting.

So the question is, why?

2008-11-30T14:36:00.000-08:00

I really can't tell you why I am compelled to start a blog.

I never have thought much about blogging, it's not really something I thought I would consider doing. I have always preferred speaking my mind aloud than typing it out on the computer. I suppose I needed a new vice.

So here I am, trying it out.

I hope I don't disappoint.

No, I'm not worried about disappointing anyone aside from myself. I sometimes think I want or need things, only to find that it wasn't what I was looking for.

So what, exactly, am I looking for?

I'm not completely sure. Something new, something fresh. Something for me.

Ah, here it is, my selfish side. Where have you been? I never see you anymore. I am guessing I will be seeing a lot of you soon.