Sunday, November 30, 2008

So here I am...

It's Thanksgiving, and again, I am reminded how much I have to be thankful for, and how much I take for granted every day.

This year has been almost like a new life. I don't know what in me has changed, but I have changed, for the better. I don't know what the cause of it was exactly, but I can find a few things that triggered it.

When I was younger, back in the days of Croughton, England, I was so much more carefree. I have such great friends I could spend hours with, laughing our asses off at the stupidest shit, and we loved it. It was that innocent fun, we just enjoyed being with each other and enjoyed every day life.

I don't know where it changed, maybe when I left the comfort of England, my best friends who accepted me for who I was, and my family. But at some point, I started taking myself too seriously, had issues with myself, and my self esteem. I never felt as though I could completely be myself out of fear of rejection. Who was this person and what had she done with Debi??

I had no trouble making friends when I left, but I was guarded for a long time. I did finally find a circle of friends I was comfortable with and could be myself around, but I still didn't feel like me. Was it just the normal teenage emotions and need of acceptance? Maybe, but it hadn't stopped there.

I moved again from a place I was finally comfortable, and on to another place, where I wasn't as happy. I met my soon to be husband and for once I felt like I could be myself, but there was still something not quite right.... I was taking myself too seriously, and holding back on a lot, almost like I couldn't allow myself to have fun and enjoy life completely. I was happy, but not so happy with myself, because somewhere along the way, I diappeared.

I became a mom in 2002, and then again in 2006. My kids are my world. I went from being an individual to being Mom and Wife, both roles I love to be, but where was Debi? Even more lost than before.

I don't know what did it. I finally came to the realization that while I love my life, I was lost somewhere and I needed to find myself, but at this point, I didn't know how, or where to even begin.

I turned 30 this year, something I was dreading to no end. But on the day of my birthday, I realized, this isn't so bad. I am going to do something for myself, starting with taking care of myself better.

I finally lost all the weight I have gained since getting married and having kids, over 30 lbs. All of a sudden, I seemed to get my self esteem back. It seems silly, because I shouldn't need to be thin to be happy, but I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Not anymore. This lifestyle change also caused me to set my sights on a new goal, a goal for myself, something I haven't had in a long time.

I also lost a friend this year, one who I remember fondly, who could always make me smile. It was a devestating blow, and even though we hadn't stayed in constant contact, he was someone who always meant a lot to me. It made me realize how short life was, how you choose the life you lead, and how you make the decisions to be who you are.

I have made the decision that I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to look back and think about how *I* was the one who held me back. How it was *my* decisions that have kept me from living my life to the fullest and enjoying every moment I have. How my kids would lose out, because they had a mommy who was lost to herself, and living every day like it was a routine that had fallen into place out of convience, a mommy that had forgotten how to have fun, how to enjoy life.

I have great friends, a supportive and amazing family, a loving husband, and two beautiful babies. I have a job that is taking me on a new and exciting path. I have nothing in my life to be upset about.

And here I am, thinking back on this year with the realization that I am once again Debi, someone I was beginning to believe was gone forever. And believe it or not, that thought is comforting.

So the question is, why?

I really can't tell you why I am compelled to start a blog.

I never have thought much about blogging, it's not really something I thought I would consider doing. I have always preferred speaking my mind aloud than typing it out on the computer. I suppose I needed a new vice.

So here I am, trying it out.

I hope I don't disappoint.

No, I'm not worried about disappointing anyone aside from myself. I sometimes think I want or need things, only to find that it wasn't what I was looking for.

So what, exactly, am I looking for?

I'm not completely sure. Something new, something fresh. Something for me.

Ah, here it is, my selfish side. Where have you been? I never see you anymore. I am guessing I will be seeing a lot of you soon.