Friday, December 26, 2008

Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Program...

Although we had a great Christmas, I am anxious to get life back to normal.

The house is a wreck, and guess who gets to clean it? You betcha. I'm starting by taking the tree down and getting the furniture back in place. Then, onto getting all the new toys put away, which means the toy boxes and kids' rooms need to be cleaned out. It's going to be a long weekend.

But never mind that, I'm focusing again on my goals for the new year. I don't really set resolutions, I just have a few things I want for 2009. This next year I have a few things I want to accomplish, and the sooner the better. I'm sure this list will grow as the days pass.

First is the remaining 15 pounds I have to lose. I went to buy some new jeans today and although I liked them, I decided they will be my reward, in a smaller size, of course, in a few months. I am planning on making Sundays my weigh in days, and I will be counting calories and exercising as much as I can. Feel free to check in on me and make sure I am staying on track, I can use all the support I can get.

Another goal I have set is the next step to further my new career path. Courses I need to take and studying I need to do. I should be taking my first class in February, wish me luck.

More than anything else, I want to improve on my patience with my kids. I can sometimes get very frustrated with them and I am always, ALWAYS feeling guilty about it. It needs to change, they deserve so much more. I love them so much, and they are my everything. I need to be a better mother.

Organization. I need it.

And finally, procrastination. I need to stop it. Life is going to pass me by if I let it. I don't want that.

I hope I can achieve all these goals in 2009.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My Christmas Wish for 2008

This blog might possibly be my shortest yet, not for lack of love, it's just because it's something that can be said shortly.

I have a Christmas wish every year, this year being no different. My wish is simple, and it's for all the people I know and love in my life.

I wish you all a safe holiday. A holiday filled with loved ones, laughter, smiles, and fun. A carefree holiday, with as little stress as you can manage. I know that's a lot to expect, but remember, holiday is about love, a reminder of all that is good in your life.

I also want to send some well wishes to those who are having to deal with illness this holiday season. I know of two little babies who may be spending their first Christmas's in the hospital, and I ask you all to send your well wishes, positive thoughts, prayers, whatever it is you do, to these little ones on their first holiday.

Happy Holidays to you all, I wish nothing but the best for you and yours :)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

I Believe in Magic

I can see the sparkles in their eyes. They are counting down the days. Even my 2.5 year old who really doesn't fully understand what Christmas is.

Think back to when you were a child. The anticipation, the magic, the determination to catch Santa in the act of leaving your Christmas presents. The joy of waking in the morning to a lit up tree with presents as far as the eye could see. Opening each one with enthusiasm, just hoping Santa remembered that one special item you wanted above all else. And the thrill when you realize that he didn't forget, that the letter you sent must have made it there for him to see. How else could he have known?

Is the thrill gone? Have we lost that joy we feel, the magic in the air?

No, I don't think we have. I just think we need a reminder. Sure, now we know the truth about who Santa really is, and how we are now him. We know that the gifts came from our parents hard earned paychecks and now, from ours. Reindeer might not really fly, but that doesn't mean the magic is all gone.

Now that I am a mother, with a family I adore above everything else, I live the magic every year. Sure, there was a time when Christmas was a hassle, making a shopping list, shopping for everyone, hoping you got something they would enjoy. Now it's different. I get to relive all the magic through the eyes of my children. I get to tell them all about Santa and his flying reindeer. We speculate on how Santa fits down the skinny chimney, and how he can get to all the houses and leave gifts without waking anyone.

Nothing is quite as enjoyable as letting them shop for Christmas presents. They get to pick out something special for someone special. And to see the thrill on their face when they find the "perfect" gift, it's priceless.

But most importantly, I get to see their faces glow when they see the magic of Christmas morning. As they open their gifts, as they jump up and down with excitement, and as they give you that "perfect" gift with as much excitement, it never fails to make me believe that the magic is real.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The Choice Between What is Right and What is Easy.

I'm struggling with an addiction.

As anyone who has suffered some addiction can tell you, relapses hit, and they are very difficult to fight. You have many different addictions out there, some more deadly than others, but all causing pain and suffering. Some easier to fight off than others, but none are easy to live with.

My addiction has been a lifelong battle. I have gotten a better hand on it, but I still have to try everyday to overcome the urges it causes. I can do it, I can conquer it. I have proven that to myself a lot over the past few years, but I still have my moments of weakness.

This past week has been a never ending battle, one I haven't been winning. I know I am only causing myself pain, and I can beat this, but I can also feel myself giving up and letting it win. I don't want to, but sometimes giving in is so much easier.

But giving in once means giving in again, and again, and again. It starts an endless cycle of indulgences. Indulgences which cause me to suffer every time I look at myself, both mentally and physically.

I need to be stronger for my kids. I need to be able to get a grip on this. I know that once I say NO!, I gain more confidence and strength to say NO! again the next time.

Saying NO! would be the right thing. But the easy thing is saying YES!

But by saying YES! the problems don't go away. The stresses are still there. Is saying YES! really worth it?

My life is much more important than this. I need my strength back.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


I'm an easily inspired person. It doesn't take too much to get my creative wheels spinning. I can be so inspired by something so small, so insignificant. It can be something I've seen, something I have read, something I have seen someone else do. I know at that moment that I can do it too, and I should do it.

Seems simple enough, right?

My problem... self doubt. I suppose it goes back to a lack of self confidence, though I don't seem to suffer from that as much as I once did. I have trouble, sometimes, finding faith in myself. I am more than capable of a lot of things, but I guess I have this underlying fear of failing miserably and looking stupid in the process.

I suppose that has a lot to do with why it took so long for me to start this blog.

I've always enjoyed writing. I discovered a love for it a long time ago, in my middle school/high school days. I wrote all the time back then. Because of the lack of confidence I had in myself, sharing it was something I didn't do often. There was a fear that what I thought was a great piece of writing would be seen by others as a little less than *shrug* OK. Any compliments from people, and I took that as them being nice, not wanting to hurt my feelings. I gave up on this creative outlet back then.

I'm trying to regain my confidence in writing. I started this blog first and foremost, and I am actually considering trying to channel this into stories again. I haven't quite worked up the nerve to venture any further than this yet, but I would like to think it's a possibility.

I have a million excuses as to why I can't do it. No time, no fresh ideas. Nothing I have to say can be that interesting.

I have got to stop holding myself back.

Monday, December 8, 2008

The Queen, Pig Farms and Cheeseless Cheese Soup.

(The title has nothing to do with this blog, but I was lacking inspiration. So I thought of the Queen, Kristie.)

I'm in pain. Not emotional, suffering in my head pain. Physical pain. And it's all my own fault.

I am pursuing a career, I suppose, though part-time. I want to teach aerobics classes, sculpting, Pilate's, etc. My current boss has faith in me, and allows me to sub some classes here and there to get some experience. In order to make the actual transition into instructing, I need to get my Group Exercise Certification, which I will be getting in February.

So I subbed a class on Saturday. The class I taught was called Power Circuit, it's a combination of circuit training (think Curves. You do each machine for one minute, then change stations to the next machine.) After your one minute on the machine, you do a sculpting exercise, like bicep curls, crunches, etc.

I have taken this class when a couple of the different instructors have taught it, and one instructor in particular, pushes you to get the most out of your workout. The other, while it's a good class, I just don't feel like I got the best workout out of it. So I wanted to make my class a little more difficult, but not too, too difficult. Something you would be able to get through if you pushed yourself a little harder, and one you would be able to feel later to know you worked hard.

Well, I feel it. I am so proud that my class made me hurt, even if is painful to sit down. At least I know my ass got a good workout, and I know I had a good class. I can't wait to lead another.

I just feel sorry for the lady who came in for the class. If I am hurting, I can imagine how she must feel.

I hope I didn't scare her off.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Toughest Job in the World

And I have it.

Let me start by giving you a little insight to a regular day in my life and the jobs I hold.

My goal was to be a stay at home mommy for my kids. Unfortunately, in this day and age, living on one income is rather difficult. We can manage on one, but we have little to no money for extra luxuries. So here I am working more than one job to help us have a little extra cash. The jobs I have enable me to keep my kids with me, while saving money by not having to send them to daycare.

I babysit during the week, three kids total. Two brothers, my cousins kids, I have on average 3-4 days a week. Good kids, full of energy, good listeners, ages 3 and 5. When they aren't being typical brothers by picking on one another, or rather, the younger one picking on the older one, they are really good kids and very well behaved. The other little rug rat, another boy, is coming up on 2 years old. He is also part time, for now, but his mom is an accountant and come the first of the year, she works 3 months straight without a break. He's a great kid, too. Possibly the loudest kid on the face of the planet, but a really good kid, and extremely goofy. Keeps me laughing most of the time.

I also work in a woman's fitness center, currently in the childcare, but venturing on to bigger and better things. Working at this particular gym, I can bring the kids with me when I go. It works well, since I work the childcare, but I am currently preparing to be a class instructor and I am hoping to become a personal trainer. All of these require certifications, which I will have to get slowly, due to the cost. I am really looking forward to pursuing this path.

I also have my own little business, just a little online shop where I sell some things I make. More of a hobby than an income source.

I babysit to ensure a little income. The kids are all good kids, but after listening to kids scream all day, it wears on you. The gym is my fun job, the job for me. I get to workout whenever I want, and I'm getting to sub classes as an instructor, and I will be able to do so much more in the future with it.

Those are my easy jobs. The hard one? Motherhood.

To say it's difficult trying to balance the jobs I have to help my family, the job I have for me, and the biggest and most challenging, being a mom, is an understatement. My kids are the reason I babysit, so I have extra money to take them places and buy the things they want.

The difficulties lie in finding the time to dedicate to them, between having extra kids in my house and doing something for me, the gym. Through all these things, I feel like a negligent mother at times, and am very hard on myself. I can't always do what the kids need me to do, and I can't always keep my patience, after dealing all day with others. This takes it's toll on me more than you could ever realize.

Being a mom takes a lot out of you. You are now living your life not only for yourself, but for little ones who are dependant on you. And their needs are greater than yours, you always make sure they are taken care of before you. Not because you have to, but because you love nothing more.

It's so hard to protect and care for your heart when it's walking around outside your body.

Although it's a hard job, motherhood definitely has rewards, too. You can play with all the kids' cool toys. You can laugh, sing and dance whenever and not care about who might be watching. It's worth a little embarrassment to hear your kids laugh. For the first time in your life, you discover what true love really means. When they come home with a book of their favorites they made at school with you listed as their favorite person, your heart completely melts. When they look at you with their wide eyes and say "luz you mommy" it makes your heart completely explode with love.

While it might be the toughest job in the world, every moment you have with your kids is worth so much more than any sacrifice you make for them.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Just when you think it's safe..

After thrashing beneath the suffocating water for so long, you finally feel your face break the surface. Just as you feel the relief of the cool air fill your lungs, you're dragged back down by a strong, invisible and unknown source of panic.

Yet as you struggle to come back up again, you feel yourself slipping away, ready to give up and let the panic be the victor. And the struggle subsides, allowing you to gasp for air, thinking it's over.

Then vicious cycle then begins again.

How can you break free once and for all?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

So here I am...

It's Thanksgiving, and again, I am reminded how much I have to be thankful for, and how much I take for granted every day.

This year has been almost like a new life. I don't know what in me has changed, but I have changed, for the better. I don't know what the cause of it was exactly, but I can find a few things that triggered it.

When I was younger, back in the days of Croughton, England, I was so much more carefree. I have such great friends I could spend hours with, laughing our asses off at the stupidest shit, and we loved it. It was that innocent fun, we just enjoyed being with each other and enjoyed every day life.

I don't know where it changed, maybe when I left the comfort of England, my best friends who accepted me for who I was, and my family. But at some point, I started taking myself too seriously, had issues with myself, and my self esteem. I never felt as though I could completely be myself out of fear of rejection. Who was this person and what had she done with Debi??

I had no trouble making friends when I left, but I was guarded for a long time. I did finally find a circle of friends I was comfortable with and could be myself around, but I still didn't feel like me. Was it just the normal teenage emotions and need of acceptance? Maybe, but it hadn't stopped there.

I moved again from a place I was finally comfortable, and on to another place, where I wasn't as happy. I met my soon to be husband and for once I felt like I could be myself, but there was still something not quite right.... I was taking myself too seriously, and holding back on a lot, almost like I couldn't allow myself to have fun and enjoy life completely. I was happy, but not so happy with myself, because somewhere along the way, I diappeared.

I became a mom in 2002, and then again in 2006. My kids are my world. I went from being an individual to being Mom and Wife, both roles I love to be, but where was Debi? Even more lost than before.

I don't know what did it. I finally came to the realization that while I love my life, I was lost somewhere and I needed to find myself, but at this point, I didn't know how, or where to even begin.

I turned 30 this year, something I was dreading to no end. But on the day of my birthday, I realized, this isn't so bad. I am going to do something for myself, starting with taking care of myself better.

I finally lost all the weight I have gained since getting married and having kids, over 30 lbs. All of a sudden, I seemed to get my self esteem back. It seems silly, because I shouldn't need to be thin to be happy, but I was uncomfortable in my own skin. Not anymore. This lifestyle change also caused me to set my sights on a new goal, a goal for myself, something I haven't had in a long time.

I also lost a friend this year, one who I remember fondly, who could always make me smile. It was a devestating blow, and even though we hadn't stayed in constant contact, he was someone who always meant a lot to me. It made me realize how short life was, how you choose the life you lead, and how you make the decisions to be who you are.

I have made the decision that I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to look back and think about how *I* was the one who held me back. How it was *my* decisions that have kept me from living my life to the fullest and enjoying every moment I have. How my kids would lose out, because they had a mommy who was lost to herself, and living every day like it was a routine that had fallen into place out of convience, a mommy that had forgotten how to have fun, how to enjoy life.

I have great friends, a supportive and amazing family, a loving husband, and two beautiful babies. I have a job that is taking me on a new and exciting path. I have nothing in my life to be upset about.

And here I am, thinking back on this year with the realization that I am once again Debi, someone I was beginning to believe was gone forever. And believe it or not, that thought is comforting.

So the question is, why?

I really can't tell you why I am compelled to start a blog.

I never have thought much about blogging, it's not really something I thought I would consider doing. I have always preferred speaking my mind aloud than typing it out on the computer. I suppose I needed a new vice.

So here I am, trying it out.

I hope I don't disappoint.

No, I'm not worried about disappointing anyone aside from myself. I sometimes think I want or need things, only to find that it wasn't what I was looking for.

So what, exactly, am I looking for?

I'm not completely sure. Something new, something fresh. Something for me.

Ah, here it is, my selfish side. Where have you been? I never see you anymore. I am guessing I will be seeing a lot of you soon.