Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Fear Really is Just a Four Letter Word.

Last month I posted about an opportunity that was presented to me at the last minute. It was something I felt unprepared for, and was lacking confidence. I was out of my comfort zone, and the fear of failure was weighing me down.

Turns out, all that worry and uncomfortable feelings were a product of my own issues. There was no need for them at all. I passed!!

I am now a Certified Group Fitness Instructor! My biggest goal I set for myself this year was to pass this test and have this certification, but it's not over yet. Now onto studying and becoming as knowledgeable as I can about Fitness and Nutrition.

Now that the Primary Certification is out of the way, I am a little confused about where to go next. I would like to learn more about several different specialty classes, like Zumba or Turbo Kick, even Pilate's. The problem I am having right now is deciding what to do. I want to it all, but I know I should focus on one thing at a time, take the time to learn it, then move to the next. But where to start??

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

A Miserable Failure

OK, so maybe not, but let's just say my blog hasn't been on the top of my ever growing to-do list lately.

So what the heck has been going on with me? Nothing too out of the ordinary, I suppose. I've had some time to think about my life and where it's headed, what I want to change and what I want to stay the same. I can't say I've made any definite decisions on anything, but there are a couple of things I have to look forward to.

I was recently given an offer that I couldn't really refuse, although it was something I wasn't prepared for. And although the idea of failing at something scares me beyond belief, I pushed it aside and took the offer. Emotionally, that was hard. Fear of failing has kept me from doing a lot of things in my life, and I am trying to work past it. If I fail this time, I WILL try again. This is important to me. So what if I wasn't ready for it? I did it. And while failing is still a possibility, I don't care now. It will only prepare me for my next attempt, and I WILL be ready if there is a next time because now I know what to expect. For the record though, things went much better than I had expected. While failing is still a possibility, also is succeeding. I never would've thought that, had I not given it a try. I'm slowing learning to have a little more faith in myself.

There are some plans in the works for a trip with some really great friends I haven't seen in years. Although it's not going to be until late next year, I can't wait. These are some of my favorite people that I grew up with, in those years before life became so serious. Back in a time of innocent fun, where we would laugh and be dumb asses all day and not care what others thought. We just enjoyed each others company. We didn't grow apart in the normal sense, we didn't go our separate ways by choice, but because we didn't have a say in it. I know that we aren't kids anymore, and the pointless joking and acting like idiots isn't going to have the same affect as it did when we were younger. We've all grown up, half of us are married with kids now, but it doesn't matter. It's a bond I just can't explain. It's more than I have ever gotten out of other friendships in my past. Good friends isn't even a close enough term. It's so much more than that.

And although I still have some things within to sort through, I am not going to hurry. There's no reason to.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Since it's Valentine's Day, and it hasn't been a good day (not due to my hubby, it;s just been a crappy day) I thought I would remind myself of things I love. Not the obvious things, like family and friends, because that's a given, but the little things in life that often get overlooked. The things you take for granted on a normal day, things that are small and insignificant, yet pleasantly enjoyable. I know there are many things I will forget to put in this blog, but I am going to do my best.

So here is a list of loves:

I adore the sound of children's laughter, when something is so funny to them that they can hardly breathe because they are laughing too hard.
I love the smell that's in the air when rain is on it's way.
I enjoy a good story, whether it's an actual book or just a friend telling me something interesting from their day.
I am seriously in love with Lofthouse Sugar Cookies... you know, the ones from the grocery store's bakery with the inch thick frosting on the top. Yeah, it's bad.
I can't help but laugh when my 6 year old tries to tell a joke that either makes no sense or he failed in the delivery. It's just so cute.
I love making up nicknames for my kids. I come up with new ones all the time.
Nothing makes me smile more quickly than hearing my soon-to-be-3 year old singing Pink's So What? There's just something about her singing "I'm gonna start a fight" that is irresistible.
The feeling of accomplishment after a workout gives me warm fuzzies.
This is going to sound crazy, but I really love admiring my many injuries as they are going through the healing process. As clumsy as I am, this is something I get to do a lot.
Daydreaming is something I still love to do, and I do it often, every day.
I love to push myself to accomplish something of which I thought I was physically incapable.
The smell of hot tea is one of my favorite scents.
I adore fuzzy slippers and almost always wear them when I'm at home.
The Ramones. Enough said.
Remembering the Croughton days with old friends always brightens my day.
My heart absolutely melts when I hear my kids tell each other they love each other. This is a daily occurrence in my house, and I hope it never ends.
The gloomy feeling of overcast days almost always lifts my spirits. I think it's because it reminds me of England, the place I grew up.
I love the colors of fall leaves, although we don't really get those in Texas.

I hope you enjoyed my list, I know I have many things to add, but if I keep going, this list may never, ever end.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Walking on Sunshine

I'm in a great mood right now, and I'm surprised. This week has been extremely stressful, but hell, I'm not going to let it bring me down! My next 4 weeks will be this same schedule, so wish me luck!

Here's just a little insight to my week:

I joined a Boot Camp class at the gym, so I go to the class Mondays and Wednesdays at 6:45, then Saturdays at 8 am. The classes are good, but I'm not feeling them like I thought I would be. Hopefully this is just because it's the first week and she is taking it easy on us, getting us warmed up to it all. With this class, I have a weekly homework assignment, and I have to keep food journals for everyday. This is great, because I need to be more conscious of my food consumption, but it is time consuming. However, it sucks trying to eat good when you haven't had a minute to go to the grocery store.

Also on Mondays, I instruct a class of my own at the gym, which is from 6-7, so I miss the first 15 minutes of boot camp. Not a biggie, it just means I miss the warm up and a little of the class, but I am getting an extra 45 minutes of workout time. No complaints there.

Then, on Tuesdays and Fridays, I work in the childcare at the gym. These are the only 2 evenings I work, and they were nice enough to work me this way so I could participate in the boot camp. However, this week, they called and asked me to work on Thursday, too, so I could train a new person. So I worked an extra shift.

So, I know what you are thinking... that doesn't seem too bad, right? Well, then there is my day job.

Monday through Friday, I watch kids.
I have a friend's little boy, who is a funny little thing, and quite possibly the loudest kid on the planet (he goes up to eleven.) From January through April 15th, I have him just about every day. He's a good kid, so he's not too difficult to handle, though I think we are going through the terrible twos. Rough times are ahead.
Along with him, I watch my cousin's 2 boys. They are both good kids, too, for the most part. I watch them part time, usually 3 or 4 days a week, some of those days are half days. But this week, the beginning of my crazy schedule, I had them every day, and all but one were full days.

Oh, and did I mention I am studying for a certification class? Yeah, somehow I have to find more time to study before my class on the 6th of February. I've barely cracked open my book and study guide, so I am not feeling too confident about it yet.

And to top that off, Wednesday morning I awoke to find out some bastard(s) broke both the driver's side and passenger's side windows on my car to steal the portable DVD player I have in there for my kids. And they forgot to take the power chord. Dealing with that mess was a whole lot of fun, let me tell you.

I finally made it to the grocery store tonight. I had to go after work, which means I was dragging the kids to the grocery store at 8 pm, when they should have been getting ready for bed. I will most likely have to deal with crabby kids, but hey, at least they now have breakfast for the morning.

But even after all the stress and craziness of this week, I am in a great mood. Why? Because I'm letting it all go, and am looking forward to tomorrow being a new day.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

And I Wonder.

When faced with choices, what makes you choose the path you take?

Say, for instance, you are at a crossroads. You are unhappy with your current situation, so much so, that you either have to fix what is broken, or walk away. Two choices, both creating a whole new life for you, after a lifetime. Neither one right or wrong, just a choice that you need to make to finally find happiness in yourself again.

Then a new opportunity arises, something new and exciting, but something that has multiple consequences should you accept it. This choice will completely alter life as you know it, hurt those who love you, isolate you from the life you have lived for so long, and really cause your reality to spiral out of control.

Say your state of mind is off... you are doing things you haven't done in years to try to fill some void that the unhappiness in your life has brought on. Think of trying to control something, anything, just to feel as though you are in control of some aspect of your life, and in the process making decisions that have grave consequences.

How do you know what to do, where to go, and who to lean on for support, when you feel like you can't talk about your feelings openly without being judged? How are you expected to make the right choice, when only one seems to be enticing and easy, though utterly and completely wrong?

The choice was made, and things are a mess. Is there no return?

Can you be forgiven when you know you made the choice that hurt everyone, the choice that destroyed life as you know it? Where do you go when your life lays in crumbles at your feet? Who do you turn to? Can you make it through to see the light again? Will their justified anger ever subside? Will you ever be able to forgive yourself for the mess you created?

Or is it too late?